#might give it a reread before i delve into the drama first since its been a while tho hmm

[raizelsknights]

was wondering why my pyramid game post from a while back was suddenly gaining notes and this is how i found out it has a kdrama ?!?!!!

[goblinconceivable]

oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing.  (I can’t be the only one who does that...)  Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again.  And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there.  Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it.  Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first.  I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show.  Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.)  Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy.  Like, WTF was that about?  I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching.  First couple seasons: brilliant.  Downhill from there.  But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together.  One hot second and bam.***  Every.  Time.  Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least.  But these two, nope.  And know what?  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH.  I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one.  And Izzie got the short stick.  Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen.  There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.  

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.)  Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to.  She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle.  It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off.  In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character.  When did KH ask to be let out?  If it was after this point, Shonda svcks.  I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth.  Because he’s not really in a real relationship.  I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful.  Which is most of the time, so they gave me that.  I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.”  Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts.  Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie.  I love that he loves her the whole time.  But he’s willing to step back.  He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean.  But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows.  Izzie doesn’t make him.  She entices him.  Yeah, often directs him, especially at first.  But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily.  And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards.  He reaches out to her a lot.  And she turns him aside a lot.  And he keeps loving.  Even if romance is off the table.  He runs after her a lot.  Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot.  Is understanding a lot.  He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook.  Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct.  I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water.  (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker.  Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me.  Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny.  They’re all standing around.  No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her.  In a really caring way.  And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh?  (Mebbe?)  And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly.  And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie.  I don’t think he even wants to stop.  Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine.  But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged.  But also born.  Stars uncrossed.  I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was.  Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because...  it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be.  She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside.  She knows.  She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually.  Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her.  Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him.  And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.  

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her.  I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it.  She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him.  The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync.  And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s.  And those two things weave into each other.  Kinda like rats and the food button.  When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.”  So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again.  And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter.  And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care.  She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in.  But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair.  There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her.  She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues.  But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny.  Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her.   The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope.  Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA.  Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives.  And I do think female character’s side guys have a  habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life. 

 At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman:  yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying.  Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love.  BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted.  1) That he desperately wants a family.  2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy.  Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first.  And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change.  But we didn’t.  So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that.  Something taken slowly!  We got to explore it.  Did feel a bit drawn out tbh.  But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess.  Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others.  This was their development for the season.  Which was mostly Alex.  But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well.  Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment?  Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more.  Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands.  And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that.  It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.”  She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient.  She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly.  And she’s still in charge.  She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay.  It’s going to be okay.  You don’t have to carry this on your own.  We have it now.  Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden.  And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring.  She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve.  Stages of grief ya’ll.  He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca.  He’s in denial that anything is wrong.  He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.)  He dives into bargaining.  She’ll be okay if he can take care of her.  He can do it.  He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression.  Not just Rebecca, but about his mom.  And Izzie approaches him differently.  In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend.  An equal.  Which is what he needs right now.  His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid.  Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed.  But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically.  Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information.  Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand.  And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex.  I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything.  And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way.  Bargaining again, I suppose.  “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.”  But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died.  Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person.  And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca.  And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment.  Of understanding.  She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else.  Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that.  How to process that in a way that feels manly to him?  Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing.  And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him.  He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories.  But also... stages of grief.  He needs to feel it, so he can accept it.  He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love.  Take out the romantic/sexual aspect.  Take out the friendship.  The trust.  The family.  Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love.  And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care.  Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho.  It’s such a wonderful foil.  Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see.  He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.”  (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself.  He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable.  He let Izzie get too close.  He’s afraid.  It’s all a tangle.  And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards.  So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5.  And actually they start out close.  They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her.  He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial.  And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.”  And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either).  Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact.  They don’t talk about it, it’s fine.  Pretending it did not happen.  But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped.  It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same.  Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer.  Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind.  That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others.  Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim.  It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it.  And he does feel super close to her.  But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light.  For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation.  I’m a bit stuck and going in circles.  If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously?  Doesn’t understand him?  I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak?  Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t.  But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person.  Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff.  But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman.  Were those scenes meant to be inverted?  Or is he going into this eyes wide open?  Trying to prove something?  He’s hurting her though, is it intentional?  Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up.  But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape.  Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self?  They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off.  Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him.  She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly.  And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him.  Though her barb about STD did hit him.   Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could?  He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight.  It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did.  They are incredibly close.  And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening.  He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda.  Follows her out into the hall when she leaves.  The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right.  And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too.  “Okay, ... I”m trying to be-  I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is???  Trying to not be emotionally stunted.  Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation.  Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand.  Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her.  And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her.  And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts.  ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.”  And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.”   Dad calls for son while kinda dying.  I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot?  And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares.  With a hefty does of potential regret.  It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested.  His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.”  He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.”  Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough.  But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more.  And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time.  And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome.  *sobs*  And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window?  And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No.  Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there?  They always say yes.  Eventually.  And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things.  It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life.  In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building.  He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting.  And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing.  I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything.  But he’s also not lying.  He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle.  He’d stay with Jo then out of...  ?  Halp.  The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable.  Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life.  It’s all happiness of them individually, not together.  But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse?  No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.  

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs.  Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo.  Also exposition.  References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie.  It scared him because...  ?  He focuses on the kids.  It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her.  Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight.  Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins.  It’s a free pass to perfection.  But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever.  I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie.  But that’s kinda tenuous.  It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for.  Izzie would for Denny.  In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings.  So in a way she gave up her life for Alex.  And never reached out to him but did respond when he did.  She picked up the phone.  Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones.  And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids.  I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle.  And he’s become a man who does the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish.  He one perfect thing is in Kansas.  And it’s the family.  It’s a family with Izzie.  And his kids.  It’s the whole package.  If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough?  Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.”  But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.  

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is.  He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction.  He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive.  Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things.  She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.)  Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary.  And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her.  He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth.  Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them.  He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot.  Maybe it’s a Miranda thing?  After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her.  He doesn’t need her like that.  And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate.  But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to...  come back for him.  To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back.  I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.  

Interesting point “we married...”  It’s a promise.  He starts with “I’m sorry.”  His breakup speech to her - rehearsed?  He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie.  So his dying speech was also fear based?  He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock.  To when is his mind taking him?  It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup.  It’s been months but that’s still recent enough.  So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.”  They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t.  That hasn’t changed.  

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her.  A happy, rich and full life.  He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it.  Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo.  Maybe it’s contentment?  Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows?  Meh.  Back to frozen.  He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life.  It’s immersive but static, a snapshot.  And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.  

Letter to Meredith.  “It’s about me.”  Which is sorta back to breakup speech.  It was about him, ending the relationship.  He didn’t deserve to be left.  And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids.  There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love.  So I’m torn.  Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love.  Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not?  Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married?  Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right?  Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

[ravkanreads-blog]

The Cruel Prince, by Holly Black [goodreads] my rating: ★★★★★

SYNOPSIS

Of course I want to be like them. They’re beautiful as blades forged in some divine fire. They will live forever.

And Cardan is even more beautiful than the rest. I hate him more than all the others. I hate him so much that sometimes when I look at him, I can hardly breathe.

Jude was seven when her parents were murdered and she and her two sisters were stolen away to live in the treacherous High Court of Faerie. Ten years later, Jude wants nothing more than to belong there, despite her mortality. But many of the fey despise humans. Especially Prince Cardan, the youngest and wickedest son of the High King. To win a place at the Court, she must defy him–and face the consequences.

As Jude becomes more deeply embroiled in palace intrigues and deceptions, she discovers her own capacity for trickery and bloodshed. But as betrayal threatens to drown the Courts of Faerie in violence, Jude will need to risk her life in a dangerous alliance to save her sisters, and Faerie itself.

Never in my entire life did I think a book about faeries would capture my full and undivided attention, let alone destroy my life so utterly and warrant all of the love in my itty bitty heart. But alas, here we are.

I’ve never been the world’s biggest fan of faeries or other similar fantasy creatures. For some reason, whenever a synopsis would mention them, I’d slowly back away and then run in the other direction. Then, when Throne of Glass descended into excessive fae male-ness without warning or cause, I truly feared I’d have an aversion to faeries forever. But there was so much hype surrounding this book and so many friends telling me I should read it, so I decided put to put my hesitation aside, just this once, and boy, am I glad I did.

THE STORY

“The odd thing about ambition is this: You can acquire it like a fever, but it is not so easy to shed.”

The Cruel Prince follows Jude Duarte, a mortal girl living an ordinary life with her parents, her twin sister Taryn, and their half sister Vivienne, who is half-faerie. In a tragic turn, Vivienne’s father Madoc, a faerie general, murders Jude’s parents. In what proves to be an even greater tragic turn, Madoc steals the sisters from the mortal world and raises them as his own children in the land of Faerie, where Jude is pretty much doomed to be looked down upon for the rest of her life.

Since Madoc is a general for the High King, Jude and her sisters are basically raised among faerie royalty. And although the high society faeries she grows up with make her life a living hell, Jude wants desperately to fit in among them, but as a mortal, she can never compare to their beauty and power. She’s learned to live among them, dealing with their cruelty and hatred and pretending she isn’t afraid of them, but she’ll never be one of them. And she’s so tired of it.

Soon enough, just swallowing all the cruel insults and pranks isn’t enough for Jude. She’s bitter. She wants revenge against those who wronged her. She wants to have power over them, as impossible as that seems, and she wants it now. So when the opportunity arises for Jude to seize just that, she takes it.

Against a backdrop of twisted court politics rife with deceit and betrayal, Jude becomes a spy and an assassin, hoping to work her way up in the faerie courts. For once, her mortality is an asset. For once, everything seems like it’s working out. And then, of course, a wrench is thrown in her plans and if this didn’t sound absolutely delightful already, that’s when it really gets going.

I adore this story, I really do. I’ve now discovered that faeries are manipulative and chaotic and I love reading about manipulation and chaos, so someone please explain why I’ve never willingly picked up a faerie book before. And Jude’s role in all of this, as a mortal, adds such a cool twist to what could have been a very traditional, formulaic faerie story. Also, I love dark fantasy, and light this is not. There is treachery everywhere and it is so compelling and wonderful.

“Faerie might be beautiful, but its beauty is like a golden stag’s carcass, crawling with maggots beneath his hide, ready to burst.”

Alongside the plot, I also found the writing in this book to be absolutely gorgeous and descriptive. Holly Black did such an incredible job painting a picture of the dark, frightening beauty of Faerie and delving into the characters’ skewed motivations with ease. The writing style really just heightened the atmosphere, intensity, and my enjoyment of the story.

My one gripe with this story–and it’s really not a serious complaint at all–came in whenever the setting shifted to the mortal world, or when the characters’ talked about it. For some reason it just made me uncomfortable to be so enthralled by the world of Faerie, and then suddenly I’m walking through Target. It was really jarring and weird to me every time it happened. But I also feel like even this served a purpose, because that’s how Jude feels about the mortal world, being removed from it for most of her life.

Anyway, the fact that a book about faeries actually got me this invested took me by surprise. Except not really, because with so many good things coming together in one book, I was bound to like it. While it has its slower sections, the entire thing was a wild ride from start to finish. I was turning pages at the speed of light and trying to predict what would happen next. (I was usually wrong.) This is definitely one of those books that I wish I could reread without knowing all the twists and turns.

CHARACTERS

There’s something to hate about every character in this book and it’s glorious.

The complexity of the characters’ motivations and actions is what really made this book for me. I love twisted characters who do bad things for righteous reasons, or good things for despicable reasons. I love manipulative characters. This book is full of them. Without that element, I doubt it would have been as intriguing to me, personally. The characters worked hand in hand with the plot and the atmosphere to truly make this story dark and delicious.

Jude Duarte:

“Before, I never knew how far I would go. Now I believe I have the answer. I will go as far as there is to go. I will go way too far.”

First of all, I’d like to make it known that I would let Jude kill me if she really wanted to (and she might, if I got in her way). I think she was supposed to be “unlikeable” but I don’t even care. I love her so much and that is all.

I always find myself drawn to female characters like Jude–she fits perfectly into this archetype that I adore, every single time, without fail. A female character is downtrodden and spit upon her entire life, until it leads her to become resentful and ambitious and gives her a desire to wield power over those who wronged her, and she will go to any lengths to get it. I literally never get tired of this. For me, watching Jude grapple for power and influence in Faerie was the exact equivalent of curling up in bed and watching my favorite movie, popcorn and all, except more violent and less cuddly. I was rooting for her so hard.

One of my favorite things about Jude’s character is her ambition and determination, even when she’s been underestimated and afraid for most of her life. The dark places her character ends up because of that ambition are so interesting, considering where she started off.

Cardan Greenbriar:

“Prince Cardan, sixth-born to the High King Eldred, yet still the absolute worst.”

I still haven’t decided exactly how I feel about Cardan Greenbriar. On the one hand, he’s arrogant and cruel and a bully. By all means, I should hate him, right? On the other hand, by the end of the book, it was very difficult to hate him. I’m shook.

Cardan, admittedly, is a garbage fire of a human being (faerie being?) and an absolute mess. Despite being a prince, which entails being somewhat respectable, he does virtually nothing besides taunting others and getting ridiculously drunk. He’s elitist, entitled, and senselessly wicked. In the earlier parts of this book, I wanted to strangle him. Frequently.

But as we learn about the viciousness of the royal family and the faerie courts, the world in which Cardan was raised, we discover that Cardan hides behind many masks and wears many faces to get by. He’s a victim of manipulation and abuse, and while that doesn’t excuse his behavior, it does allow us to sympathize with the thought process behind it.

Ultimately, Cardan is a complex guy whose layers Jude and the reader have only just begun to peel away. I like him. I’m not sure if I’ll ever love him, but I’m excited to see his character move forward.

Locke:

*insert photo of a garbage can here*

Moving on.

Jude’s Family:

“Three is an odd configuration of sisters. There’s always one on the outside.”

This is one messed up family. I won’t say much, but wow.

Vivi is definitely my favorite of the bunch. Every time she appeared, she lit up the page. But the rest of Jude’s family? Yikes. Despite how much I can’t stand them all, I did find Jude’s relationship with Madoc to be intriguing, and I’d love to see more of it in the future. I also enjoyed the relationship between the three sisters at times, but mostly because it was interesting to see how each of the sisters shaped Jude.

RELATIONSHIPS

Given the abundance of betrayals and the abundance of morally gray characters in this book, there’s bound to be some drama. Lots of complicated relationships, mhmm I love me some of those. However, if I had to pick a favorite...

Jude and Cardan:

“You remind me that I am a mere mortal and you are a prince of Faerie. Well, let me remind you that means you have much to lose and I have nothing.”

Jude and Cardan’s dynamic is one of the most twisted–and compelling–I’ve read about in a long time. Like, to the point where I think back to the beginning of the book and then look at the end and go how on earth did we get here.

At the start of the book, Cardan hates Jude, because Jude is mortal. And Jude hates Cardan because he treats everyone like crap, namely her. It seems simple, but there are so many layers to peel away when it comes to their interactions. Because as much as they hate each other, their lives keep intersecting in the most unexpected ways and I have lots of feelings about it.

I’m not sold yet on the idea of a romantic relationship between them, but I can’t deny that their scenes were crackling with electricity. Whether that electricity was sexual tension or unadulterated hatred or both, I guess time will tell. Whatever happens, bringing two of the most screwed-up, twisted characters in this story together, in any capacity, has already proven to be interesting, and I cannot wait for more interactions between them.  

FINAL THOUGHTS

I went into this book fully expecting not to like it, for my own dumb reasons. Now, here I am, loving it and telling all my friends about it and watching all of my feelings concerning it pour from my heart like an unstoppable flood. It’s everything I could ever want from a book about trickery and betrayal, and its dark, magical atmosphere completely pulled me in. Also, I love Jude Duarte. I love her so much and she carried this story along so wonderfully. I’m proud of her.

I highly recommend this book for fans of high fantasy with political intrigue!

Holly Black, bring on The Wicked King.

[relictraveler]

thinking about doing more retrospective posts on here to encourage myself to like. consume more media and not just rewatch/replay things incessantly lol. also to think more critically about media because i am unfortunately an english major and i need to get better at that.

i finished i am in eskew last night! went through the last three episodes in one go. more specific thoughts under the cut but generally it was a fantastic first podcast for me and id recommend it if you enjoy more episodic and “[laughs nervously] what the fuck” type horror

okay more spoiler thoughts now

definitely did not expect it to go quite as like. literary as it did. i knew going in it would read more like a novel, which really helped me settle in because ive never listened to an audio drama before, but even in just its execution this feels like something i wouldve read in a literature class. its so well constructed and theres so many underlying themes i feel like it deserves going back to really dig into the text and get to the true meat of it

on that note its also a really great piece from a critical disability studies perspective. it reads definitely as a piece delving into how we attempt to navigate an abled world as mentally ill people thats already so unkind to us. how we live in a complicated relationship with that world because it claims to care about us and give us what we need but those gifts arent really gifts at all, more pittances and inconveniences made to reassure the abled that they did help when it did no such thing at all. i also feel you could really dive in to how the body horror plays into this but again that would require a reread/relisten and i need to let it sit a bit lol

i will say though because the podcast increasingly relied more on that above message, which i still think it did fantasticly, it became significantly less creepy as it went on for me. i think i stopped having creep out moments after kenneth’s death. if i had to pinpoint a reason i would say its because the focus increasingly shifts toward eskew’s personal relationship with david specifically rather than how it just fucks around in general. it was more intimate, personal, which made it seem more controlled and knowable as opposed to earlier episodes where it’s david trying to navigate rules and “games” he doesn’t fully understand. i dont actually think this is a bad thing because again the mental illness allegory is so strongly written its just a difference

riyo is such a good character. i fucking wish we got to dive more into her psyche than we did but i also dont because then that would ruin the mystery and mystique. such an intriguing character. genuinely episode 28 might be my favorite i fucking loved every part of it. a great short story on its own and also just a fantastic exploration of her character. love her

weakest parts of the show are when we’re not in riyo or david’s perspectives. theyre fine and the writing is still solid i just personally did not have much of an opportunity to give a shit about what happens to them as opposed to david because im so removed from them? like david and riyo just narrate it to you directly. the first episodes of eskew are david trying to cope mentally with his experiences by keeping a kind of audio journal. theres not much narrative distance because theyre either narrating directly to you or youre experiencing their direct thoughts later on. the non-david/riyo episodes have way too much psychic distance from the events. it might be the third person actually. the shows built under the assumption its delivered by david specifically it doesnt really work as well under any other context i think lol

not sure how i feel about that ending. i think ill like it more the more i sit on it, because im more warmed to it now than i was when i finished, i just wish the reflection’s narrative importance had been... foreshadowed more? earlier? we hadnt heard from the other david since like his introductory episode. it just felt really sudden when i first listened to it. again im fine with it because the writing was so strong and im probably not yet Attuned to its greater literary meaning yet but right now im just like? sure? sure????

overall though great podcast. love that depressed bastard and his morally ambiguous partner in crime. 

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Rec This Thing: Interlude Press books part 2

A post including all my Interlude Press books’ reviews. All copied from my goodreads account.

My story: Again, I’ve been following IP since the very beginning.

See my posts for the Star Host, Something Like A Lovesong, the Bones of You and the Luckiest here. Part one of these recs here (I am still working on combining the Summer Love stories in one post). All books I’ve read have been reviewed, except for Lodestones. I feel like I should reread that one before I can give it the review it deserves.

Oh by the way, I now have an IP shelf on goodreads.

Books in no particular order. Spoilers for almost every rec.

Black Dust by Lynn Charles

My story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Tobias moved on from the accident that killed his friend and injured his former boyfriend Emmett. Living in New York, he’s succesful Broadway musician. But then after 15 years of silence, Emmett calls.

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: This book was a nice read. I love the Reunion trope, so this is no exception. Toby and Emmett have been through a lot. An accident has changed both of them, but whereas Emmett has learned to live with it, Toby can't seem to move past it. Why? He ignores it. That is why Toby has left to live in New York, where he is quite successful. Of course, his life gets turned upside down when Emmett marches back in. After 15 years, a lot has changed. Their relationship was well written, even though I am not a fan of what their relation shifted to at one point. Toby realises his life has been dull since the accident, and Emmett brings back the colour. Despite the accident, what permanently injured Emmett, Emmett is so full of life! It might all sound a bit vague, but I try to keep spoilers out of here. Just read it!

Recommend?: Yes.

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Jess Tran is the daughter of two superheroes, and her older sister is slowly developing her powers too. There’s only one problem: Jess doesn’t seem to have any powers at all. Defeated, she decided to apply to an internship. Little does she know that it’s the company of the Mischiefs, her parents’ enemies.

Rating (1 to 5): 5

Why?: Hohoho merry Christmas to me. I had been waiting so long to read this book and it did not disappoint. Not Your Sidekick follows Jessica Tran, a daughter of Chinese-Vietnamese immigrants, living in a slight dystopian future version of the world. In 2138, the United States no longer exist. After World War III, it merged together with Canada and Mexico into the Collective. Also in the future, people with superpowers exist. Jess's parents are Smasher and Shockwave, the resident C-class superheroes. Her sister Claudia is already becoming a superhero and her brother Brendan is a genius. Jess herself is nothing compared to her, so she starts applying for an internship at Monroe Industries, a prestige tech company. Unbeknowst to her, it is also home to the Mischiefs, her parents' enemies. She has to work with the mysterious M. Luckily for her, the girl she's been crushing on, Abby Jones, works there too. And oh boy, this book was a delight. Here are some things I loved the most: a) QUEER ASIAN SUPERHEROES OH GOD. CB Lee's other book, Seven Tears at High Tide, also features an Asian main character. Both books also delve into Asian culture etc, and Not Your Sidekick doesn't disappoint. I don't speak Vietnamese, but I loved the use of random Vietnamese phrases. b) Shipping! A part of me was rooting for Jess/M and a part of me was rooting for Jess/Abby. Oh well, then they turned out to be the same person. c) Emma and Bells. Everyone needs a group of friends to rely on. And wow, Bells is trans. That was something I didn't see coming, because in this book, it isn't supposed to be a huge thing. d) Just like Jess's bisexuality. It's just a fact, it's part of her identity, but it's normal. There is no huge coming-out story, or a huge extra biphobic plot to add drama. This isn't new, though, but that is why I love Interlude Press books: you read Advanced Gay books, as I call them. Gone are the overly painful and angsty "every day I wake up in a world I don't know because I am gay/bi/trans/ace/poly/whatever minor identity, and I hate it and this is my huge story" books. Straight people in novels don't have that either. e) The way superpowers are handled in this book. There are different classes of power, and different kind of powers. It isn't all power and strenght and speed, but it is direction and changing appearances. And those powers are used for small things: Abby fixing household tech, Jess looking for oranges, Bells changing his body to fit his identity. f) This world is so mind-blowing. And also the way 'Old America' and its tech is seen by these newer generations. It is a scary thought that the war happened in 2028, because that is so close by. All the books set in a dystopian future are always set a couple of hunderd years in the future, but uhm, my OCs graduate in 2028. But what if they won't? Because the world is fucked? g) Speaking of this world being fucked, the plot is so great. Maybe a little predictable sometimes, but I enjoyed it anyway. Oh God, I could go on. Maybe the only thing I didn't really like was the open ending. Not because it was a bad ending, but because I didn't see it coming. This is the fourth IP book (I think) where this has happened. I guess I accidentally started four new series this year. Hang on. The Star Host, In the Present Tense, Céilí, and The Better to Kiss You With. Ah well, I am looking forward to all the sequels. Anyway, the next book wil be from Bell's POV. I will miss Jess dearly, but I am ready for it.

Recommend?: FUCK YEH

Hold by Rachel Davidson Leigh

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: When Luke finds out he has the power to stop time, his friends want him to become a superhero. Luke has other plans, since he’s too busy rehearsing with the new boy Eddie.

Rating (1 to 5): 5

Why?: I love Duet Books, and this one sure as hell did not disappoint. Luke is an interesting character, who realises he can stop time. He's still grieving his sister's death. He knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any less awful. One thing that I also love is that he is adopted into a white family like me! And one day, Luke meets Eddie, and everything changes. The book is about misunderstanding and not knowing enough. Luke sees and hears things and turns it all in a story he sees as reality. It starts with Eddie's gun. As a reader, you know you don't get all the information, but you start creating your own stories in your head too about everyone except for Luke. Your views on Wes and Eddie (especially him) are not, uhm, final. You don't know the full stories, you cannot explain their behaviour. This book shows you what can go wrong if you don't know the full story. Not only Luke acts out of ignorance, but also Dee, and because of those actions this book took a turn I did not expect at all. Hands up, don't shoot. I read this book in one go around midnight, and even though it was too late for this shit, I completely lost it at that part. Oh, I do not recommend reading books around midnight. I also don't recommend reading books that are very Star Wars heavy the day after Carrie Fisher died (*sigh*). Aside from the amazing stories, all the characters were great. As a theater fan, I loved how involved they all are in theater. Luke is a bit naïve, but the moment he realises things aren't always as they seem, he vows to protect his friends. Eddie is sweet and characters like him is something we need more in YA lit. I also love how Leigh doesn't ignore the racial identities of both boys. Dee might be my favourite, but that's because I live for (bisexual) strong female characters, who aren't afraid to speak their minds, but who are also flawed and who acknowledge their flaws and mistakes. AND MARCUS HOLY SHIT THAT WAS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED- WHAT A PLOT TWIST. Marcus and Luke actually talked about Marcus being ace or are. When Marcus described what he was feeling, I already thought in the back of my mind: "Yep, aro/ace headcanon." First of all, maybe this doesn't have to be a headcanon. Maybe this will be canon. (He's still figuring it out, so give him time y'all.) (Despite that, should I talk about this in the Ace Book Club?) Second of all, I may have shredded a tear or two (thousand) when they actually named the terms. Honestly, apart from this I don't have much to say. There's only one downside to this book: I want to know more about the Hold. Luke is gifted with this abitily, but it's out of nowhere, and sure he and his friends are curious, but it never gets explained in this book why he can do this and what the Hold actually is, and after a while, no one questions it anymore. I guess I still do, but I'm not part of the story. Luckily, this doesn't stop you from enjoying and loving this book.

Recommend?: Yes

Flying Without A Net by E.M. Ben Shaul

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Dani and Avi fall in love, simply as that. But whereas Dani is ready to show the world, Avi needs his time to balance faith and sexuality. Luckily, Dani is there for him the entire time.

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: Oh this book. OH THIS BOOK. I think I should clarify real quick that I am an atheist and yes, I read a book about religion. I am actually very pro-religion, which isn't a combination you see often (then again, I am also a pro-sex sex-repulsed asexual, so there you go). Honestly, as long as you don't use (or actually misuse) your religion to oppress others, like the Westboro Baptist Church does, but instead are religious because it's really important to you etc, totally go for it! So why did I read a book that focuses a lot on religion? Well, first of all, you had me at sign language interpreter. Second of all, since I want to be unbiased etc about religion, I want to low-key educate myself on all the different religions out there (LOW-KEY, PLEASE KEEP IN MIND LOW-KEY) by reading books and fanfictions like this and by reading blogposts about the Islam, about Christianity, about Judaism, about Hinduism, about Buddhism and so on. I am ashamed to say I once bashed religion a lot, and I do not want to fall back into that bullshit again. Except for occasionally reading a Jewish tumblr user's blog post, I never really knew anything about this religion, and then this book came along. Since the fanfic Things I Cannot Change taught me so much about Christianity and sexuality, I decided to use my IP giftcards on this book. I can't say it's the best thing ever written, since I still am an atheist who sometimes cannot understand why people are religious, but it sure as hell helped me. Dani and Avi were so great together, and well, despite the fact that they're both Jewish, they're very different. Which is normal. And so are their families. Sure, this book was confusing 80% of the time, but I did enjoy it. I loved how Dani and Avi opened up to each other, but also to themselves. I loved the background characters (DEAF CHARACTER HOLY SH-) and how the relation unfolds. The Yiddish and Hebrew added so much more to the story (like how Spanish adds so much more to In The Heights: the musical), but I must say that I don't recommend buying the eBook if you don't know the terms. There is an Appendix explaining all the Hebrew and Yiddish terms, but if you read the eBook, you cannot easily access those pages. I got to read them after I finished the book and wow, it cleared up a lot. So how do you avoid confusion? BUY THE PHYSICAL COPY! I have one last question: E.M. Ben Shaul's Goodreads account shows another book featuring Dani and Avi? Where can I find that?

Recommend?: Heck yes

Daniel & Erik’s Super Fab Ultimate Wedding Checklist by K.E. Belledone

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Daniel and Erik are getting married, so Daniel has the best plan ever: install Aurora, a Wedding Planning app. What could go wrong?

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. This book gave me too many feelings, and I did not expect that to happen at all. It sounds like a fun rom-com, and whereas it definitely is a rom-com, it also hits you like a ton of bricks. Daniel and Erik are getting married, so Daniel installed Aurora, a Wedding Planning app. Aurora is hectic, but she/it really cares. Or so it seems. Daniel becomes the ultimate groomzilla, whereas Erik decides to stay calm. Sometimes I just wanted to bang my head against the table and yell: "JUST ELOPE!", but Daniel wanted things to be perfect. Later on, you realise there's a reason for that, but it still annoys Erik, who just wants to get married to the man of his dreams without all those extra things. And this book took a turn I did not expect at all. And I applaud K.E. Belledonne for doing that instead of sticking to the usual plot these books can follow. I didn't think it was as hilarious and I thought it would be, but Aurora is still hilarious. The Featured Articles were the things I looked the most forward to. Aside from humour, this book also deals with things I did not expect: art, the complexity of family, slight homophobia, and don't even get me started on that glass. That was beautiful. This book is beautiful! Oh, and this is my more book-geek side: I always read acknowledgments at the end of the book. First of all, thank you Lex. Second of all, I always love to read how all these authors support each other. It makes reading these books so much better.

Recommend?: Yup

Small Wonders by Courtney Lux

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Trip Morgan is a pickpocket, but not in a way you’d expect. He’s not out for money, but he’s out for people’s small wonders. When one day, he meets Nake Mackey, he thinks he’s found the boy from his favourite wonder and he wants to get to know him better.

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: This was one hell of a read. Trip Morgan is a runaway. He has left his old town, since he was unwanted, and now shares a place with a couple of other outcasts of society. Trip makes his living with singing on the streets, and picking other people's pockets. He's very good at it, but he always returns the stuff he stole, unless it's interesting. And Nate has some interesting stuff. Nate Mackey is the opposite of Trip. He's more businesslike, more stiff, more /boring/. And Trip makes it his mission to make Nate's days better and more fun. I must admit that it took me a long time to get into this book. I liked Trip, but I thought the others were kind of irritating. Luckily, I continued reading and I warmed up to all of them. The story was sweet in its own way (this is Trip after all), and the struggles of all the characters, even the background characters, are well done. And while helping Nate warm up, Trip himself has his own epiphany: life has been shitty, really shitty, but that doesn't mean that it won't get better. And that's what this book is about.

Recommend?: Yeh